Growing

Haha I think I should just admit that blogging isn't my thing. My posts are sporadic at best. This is such a change from middle and high school! Granted, then I wasn't typing out my posts, they were neatly secured in comp books that I could carry to every class. They were my primary focus at the time, and maybe that is why I did so poorly in math... Blogging, or journaling, or whatever you want to call it, was something I desperately needed at the time. As years have gone by I need it less and less. Strangely, the last couple weeks I have felt I need it more and more. My current dilemma is whether I want my journaling to be private or public. It isn't like there are hoards of people reading it now, but I'm sure it's understandable.

So, I've been looking at how my life has changed over the years. Not just as in I've gotten older and married, but how I have changed as a person. My outlook has changed dramatically in the last few years. I've learned that the world isn't as bleak as it may seem, that it is okay to ask for help, that the world isn't out to hurt me. I still have trouble trusting people, and I still take people's opinions more seriously than I should. I've grown spiritually, and I feel truly at peace with some decisions I have made.

Some beliefs I held as a teenager and young adult are beliefs I wish I still could hold. However, I feel that I liked the idea of believing them more than I actually believed them. I still do. I just... I think now I feel that it is naive of me to still hold those beliefs. I think they were things I needed at the time. Those beliefs made me feel more in control of my life, more like I meant something. Those beliefs truly helped me at that time. I didn't really question things, but now I am. I couldn't find answers, so I moved towards beliefs that held answers. I've gone back and forth so much over the years. I would research and research, and anytime I would find things that didn't make sense, I would move on. I think I have finally found belief in something that makes sense thus far. I have never felt this in tune with God and this at peace with my life. It's a nice feeling.

It's just interesting to see how we change...

I have returned

Well, I have decided to crawl out from where I've been hiding. For a time I cheated on blogger with tumblr... I'm not proud of it, and I'll try not to let it happen again.

A lot has happened, and at the same time not much. Alexander is rated now, we've been married almost two years now, I've had two surgeries, and found I may have a bone disorder.

Lately I've had a crisis of faith. Currently I'm wavering between two drastically different religions. What do you when you agree and disagree with aspects of each? My heart is torn between the two right now, and I've been able to think of little else. Religion and life after death is such a terrifying thing to be torn about.