And now I just really fucked up. I accidentally erased the number I'm supposed to fax Alex's information to... If I don't get this figured out, he can't come home. This has to be done tomorrow. God I am so stupid. How could I have seriously done that?

He slapped my face and he shook me like a rag doll, don't that sound like a real man?

I'm pissed. No easier way to kick things off than to get straight to the point.

I hate that every time I get used to an idea, it changes. Granted, I signed up for this, but it still sucks! And I'm so tired of using that friggen excuse!

He shouldn't have told me that there is still a chance that he can be home for longer. He should know by now that I can't help but get my hopes up. So when he calls tomorrow to tell me it's not happening, that the three days is final... It's just going to tear me up again. He should have just kept it to himself and if by some miracle everything works out, tell me tomorrow. Why put me through this again?

So I set up his ticket today (which was stupid since now we might have to fix it). I messed up though, and put my name as the passenger instead of his. So I had to call hotwire and jump through a million hoops to fix it. In the end we had to cancel the ticket and rebook. They said they'll refund the original ticket price, but the money isn't back yet. They said it could take a little while, but not to worry. Here's the glitch, I need that money back, now. When Alex gets home we have to go get a car because the one we have is dying as we speak. We can't get a car with only 928$ in the bank. Once the money is refunded we'll have 1697$, plus the promise of a paycheck very soon...

I'm just stressing, and I have no need to be.

It's just getting closer and closer, and it's really sinking in that I'm going to have to fight my demons alone this year. I already told Alex that I can't promise I won't cut. He says he understands, and amazingly, I think he does. I feel stupid for it though... I should not be freaking out as much as I am. I'm doubling up on the melatonin... I still have the nightmares, but it makes me sleep through them. Which is good I guess, at least I'm sleeping the whole night.

Ok... I'm done complaining.

Only a hippopotamus will do...

Well, today has me kinda nervous. I know I'm going to be like this nearly all week.

Alex gets his blood work done today. If his blood work doesn't clear he comes home for Christmas for three days. If it does clear, we then have to wait and see if he will ship within the next few days. If he doesn't ship, he comes home for Christmas for three days. If he both clears and ships, I get him from December 23rd until January 4th. So I have about a 33% chance of getting him for a decent length of time.

That is all I want for Christmas...

Let the bodies hit the floor...

I'm so tired of going to bed alone.

I'm so tired of coming home to an empty apartment.

I'm so tired of being by myself.

I want him home.

The stupidest things seem to set me off lately. Like reaching for him in bed because I'm cold. Or locking my keys in the car when he would have the spare. Or thinking I lost his friggin cat. Or being out of signal and missing the text that says "Turn on the phone I want to call you!!!" I hate not knowing what's going on. I get a text one day that says he might only be home for 5 days, another days it's two weeks, and now it might be 3 days. He's sick and won't tell anyone because he is afraid they won't do the blood test, and if that is the case Christmas is practically a dream. So I'm worried, and I'm sick, and I just want a hug from him, or to at least hear his voice. I need to hear his steady calm logic that I pretend to hate. God I miss him...

I feel so out of control and I hate it.

Alright, I'm done complaining.

Say hello to never...

So, I just finished studying for math, and I know if I go to bed now I won't get up for my final. So here I sit.

I'm actually really frustrated and in a bit of a crappy mood. Part of it has to deal with the fact that I am tired of cleaning poo every time I turn around. One of the cats is refusing to use the cat box and has decided that my shower is a perfect place to go. I swear when Alex comes home he is on poo duty.

The other part is that this is just the way I've been. I'm constantly in a crappy mood, and I'm tired of it.

And my mouth hurts.

Bastards.

I feel almost awkward blogging, I haven't done it in so long. But, ehh, I guess you've got to pick up old habits again at some point.

Marissa and I have gotten a lot closer lately. I really like it. Granted, it took things going really badly for us to start talking everyday again, but either way, I'm happy about it. I really missed her. I just wish she could be happy. She has dealt with a lot of bull shit, she deserves a permanent break. Sometimes I wonder if she is too afraid of the happiness ending that it stops her from really embracing it... But then again she has been with a lot of douche nozzles, so maybe it was for the better then. I just hope when the right person comes around she lets go...

Why is there nothing on T.V. at 5:30? Do they think no one is awake?

And why do we always lose the stuff we need, yet never the stuff that is irrelevant?

I lost the card to get my insurance, so I'm kinda mad at myself. However, I did not lose the paper that tells me to follow the directions on the card to begin my enrollment in Tricare since dependents are no longer automatically enrolled. Lovely.

I miss Alex. This will become a common topic, I'm sure. I barely got to be affectionate with him (in any way shape or form), and then they stole him away again. Then I found out that if his tech school decides to be douchey, I'll only get to see him for a couple of days before he is gone again for 15 weeks. Which means he would barely be here for Christmas, and definitely not be here for New Years.

That's what had me so upset. I could handle only having him for a few days because at least I get him at all, but I need him here for New Years. Last year I was a wreck, freaking out all day. Not to mention Sophia was being a queen bitch. I don't know if I can handle being completely alone on that day. At least not without dwelling all day with good chances of slipping up. I hate it, because this one day is all I can think about. I feel so stupid for it. I'm away, I'm okay, it was almost two years ago... I should be fine by now, but I'm not. I'm having nightmares again, which is another reason I decided to stay up until class is over. I just don't want to deal with it. I need a way to skip forward in time. That would be very nice...

Alex is trying to figure something out, but honestly, I don't think it's going to work.

I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Why not begin with some corny writing?

Elegant Disaster
Sitting in a corner
Alone and in her room
She fights a silent battle
One she will always lose.

By day she wears a mask
So solid it must be true
Fooling delicate angels
Hiding from them the truth.

At night a demon emerges
Feeding such beautiful lies
Placing ice around her throat
And darkness before her eyes.

So time, you see, is slipping
She falls further as we speak
Within a beloved monster
That has always made her weak.

So open your eyes my darlings
To a world you don't want to see
As she slowly melts away
And forever ceases to be.