Look out, she'll tear your heart out...

I've hit a wall I guess, and I really don't know why. I'm happy in the sense that the things in my life are amazing. I love Alex with all of my heart, I'm getting the education to get where I want to be, the friends I have couldn't be better... But at the same time I am so incredibly sad. I feel stupid because there is absolutely no reason to feel this way. I've tried, but I can't make it go away. I think part of it might be that I'm lonely, but I can't make myself meet anyone. I feel like I'm back in elementary school where the thought of being around all those people made me want to cry. It's ridiculous. I think maybe I'm one of those people who can have the best life, and still won't be happy for long. It's not that I want more or want something else, because I don't. I have what I've always wanted, and it's wonderful... I just... This emotion is elusive for me. It shows up for a while, but just as quickly, it hides away again. I don't understand how it works. There's a quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower that I adore, "So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." That stuck with me so well when I finished reading. I think I'm going to read it again soon... I've been nostalgic about high school, as crazy as that might sound. I want that closeness, that knowledge that every day I'm going to be with the people who kept me going. I have that with Alex, but as shy as I might be, I also need more. I wish Marissa lived only a few minutes away again. I hate that my high school life line has died. Marissa is the only one who never really left me, and I thank everything holy for that. I was naive. I was certain that we were all so close that college and distance wouldn't kill what we had... but it did. I can't call Colin and ask for advice. I can't randomly give Matty P a bear hug. I can't tag along with Kat and watch Charmed. I can't act like a fool on stage with Jess. I can't stay the night with Marissa whenever I want. I'm too far away. Our lives aren't intertwined as they were. Things have changed, and I'm having trouble accepting that. I'm complaining, and that's not what I meant to do.

I guess, in the end, I'm sad and I don't know how to fix it. And that sucks.

I didn't separate into paragraphs, and I don't care.