He slapped my face and he shook me like a rag doll, don't that sound like a real man?

I'm pissed. No easier way to kick things off than to get straight to the point.

I hate that every time I get used to an idea, it changes. Granted, I signed up for this, but it still sucks! And I'm so tired of using that friggen excuse!

He shouldn't have told me that there is still a chance that he can be home for longer. He should know by now that I can't help but get my hopes up. So when he calls tomorrow to tell me it's not happening, that the three days is final... It's just going to tear me up again. He should have just kept it to himself and if by some miracle everything works out, tell me tomorrow. Why put me through this again?

So I set up his ticket today (which was stupid since now we might have to fix it). I messed up though, and put my name as the passenger instead of his. So I had to call hotwire and jump through a million hoops to fix it. In the end we had to cancel the ticket and rebook. They said they'll refund the original ticket price, but the money isn't back yet. They said it could take a little while, but not to worry. Here's the glitch, I need that money back, now. When Alex gets home we have to go get a car because the one we have is dying as we speak. We can't get a car with only 928$ in the bank. Once the money is refunded we'll have 1697$, plus the promise of a paycheck very soon...

I'm just stressing, and I have no need to be.

It's just getting closer and closer, and it's really sinking in that I'm going to have to fight my demons alone this year. I already told Alex that I can't promise I won't cut. He says he understands, and amazingly, I think he does. I feel stupid for it though... I should not be freaking out as much as I am. I'm doubling up on the melatonin... I still have the nightmares, but it makes me sleep through them. Which is good I guess, at least I'm sleeping the whole night.

Ok... I'm done complaining.