I knew a girl who hated the world...

It's been hectic. I've been behind in every class, and pretty much losing my mind on the friend front. At this moment I should be doing a biology lab which I have to take a quiz on by midnight, or studying Spanish, which I have a quiz on Monday, and everyone is depending on me to know the material so I can go over everything with them. I've just been stressed.

I got a "C" on my history test, which pisses me off. Granted, most of the class got about the same grade, but still... If I would have put effort into actually studying and taking better notes, I would have done so much better. I don't know why my grades mean so much more to me now than they did in high school... Maybe it's because last semester showed me what I am capable of. Or maybe it's because I am paying for the classes. Or maybe I'm just crazy...

I haven't been feeling great lately, go figure. I don't care about that, not really. Despite feeling like crap, anytime Richard asks to hang out I say sure. Which sucks because I am miserable the entire time. Twice, we could have stayed out longer, but he wanted to go home because HE wasn't feeling well. That will play a role in a bit. Anyhow, I got a text from Richard last night about Karen and all of her bullshit. At the end he asked if we could hang out this weekend. I said I wasn't completely sure. Friday (today) I was going to clean up, get caught up in classes, and sleep because I still don't feel hot. Saturday I promised Andrea it would be just her and I because we are going out for her birthday. Sunday night i previously planned to study Spanish with Alissa once she got off of work. If we did anything it would have to be Sunday day.
R: Mk
M: Does that work for you?
R: I guess.
M: What's wrong?
R: Don't take this the wrong way, maybe it's just because you are sick, but it feels like our friendship is fading. You're distant and you never want to do anything.
M: No, that isn't it at all. I'm sorry if you're feeling that way, but when i don't feel well all I want to do is sleep. Everytime you have asked to do something I say yes, but warn you I might not be a lot of fun.
R: It's just odd.
M: Well, I promise we will hang out on Sunday day and I'll be as lively as possible.
R: Fine.
M: If you want I can get as much stuff done as possible on Friday and we can try to figure out something to do.
R: No, you should rest.


I don't understand. He gets upset when I say we can't hang out until Sunday, but refuses when I offer to get together sooner. What does he want me to do? Plus, we don't really do anything! Once in a while we take my car out to some nature place and walk around for 5 minutes. Other times we drive my car to Charlottesville to walk around for 5 minutes. Other times we drive my car to Harrisonburg to walk around for 5 minutes. Occasionally he talks me into taking him to test drive cars. Most times we stop for lunch and/or dinner. We spend the entire day doing that. He doesn't have money right now, so it's me paying for EVERYTHING. He also doesn't have a vehicle, so it's my car driving EVERYWHERE. Yes, we are comfortable with money, but that doesn't mean I need to go crazy. I go through a tank of gas in two days! Not to mention, my grades are slipping because I am always off doing something. Then he has the gall to say I'm distant and making it feel like our friendship is fading. It pisses me off! I rarely ask for payment in return, but this has been going on for about two months! I've bought him cigarettes and food and taken him all sorts of places. I need something in return! Ugh. I feel like I'm over reacting. That comment just really bugged me.

I'm going to go do biology now.

Oh, to end on a positive note, I see Marissa in 9 days!

But when he comes they don't know how to go...

Well... I was good for two days. It's just like it used to be. I can hold myself together for the most part when people are around, but the moment I am alone it all starts again. I think Alex blames himself a little, for not being here, and that just pisses me off. Not at him, at me. He was cute, he caught on and went into protector mode. He got rid of the juice, he made me cut up the pictures, he made me delete most of my MP3 player, he made me cancel my bad Myspace, and said he doesn't want me talking to Kat anymore. We semi fought. It wasn't a real fight, just me crying and him pinning me down in a hug so I couldn't run away. He stayed there just like that, hugging me against the couch until I quit crying and I got a hold of myself. Then he talked to me for a few hours, long enough to get me to think clearly. Apparently not long enough to keep me thinking clearly. I know it's stupid, and I know it looks like it's all for attention, but it's not. I swear it's not. I just can't always keep it under control.

In time though.

Not even going to think of something catchy...

Alright. I trying to calm down. God we fucked up. Alex's grandma died, and he got a ticket to come home for the funeral. But money is tight. His ticket purchase just went through, and Anita already cashed our rent check before I could talk to her. So now our account is overdrawn by 174$, and there is nothing I can do to fix it until Thursday. I don't know what to do, and I'm freaking out.

And now I just really fucked up. I accidentally erased the number I'm supposed to fax Alex's information to... If I don't get this figured out, he can't come home. This has to be done tomorrow. God I am so stupid. How could I have seriously done that?

He slapped my face and he shook me like a rag doll, don't that sound like a real man?

I'm pissed. No easier way to kick things off than to get straight to the point.

I hate that every time I get used to an idea, it changes. Granted, I signed up for this, but it still sucks! And I'm so tired of using that friggen excuse!

He shouldn't have told me that there is still a chance that he can be home for longer. He should know by now that I can't help but get my hopes up. So when he calls tomorrow to tell me it's not happening, that the three days is final... It's just going to tear me up again. He should have just kept it to himself and if by some miracle everything works out, tell me tomorrow. Why put me through this again?

So I set up his ticket today (which was stupid since now we might have to fix it). I messed up though, and put my name as the passenger instead of his. So I had to call hotwire and jump through a million hoops to fix it. In the end we had to cancel the ticket and rebook. They said they'll refund the original ticket price, but the money isn't back yet. They said it could take a little while, but not to worry. Here's the glitch, I need that money back, now. When Alex gets home we have to go get a car because the one we have is dying as we speak. We can't get a car with only 928$ in the bank. Once the money is refunded we'll have 1697$, plus the promise of a paycheck very soon...

I'm just stressing, and I have no need to be.

It's just getting closer and closer, and it's really sinking in that I'm going to have to fight my demons alone this year. I already told Alex that I can't promise I won't cut. He says he understands, and amazingly, I think he does. I feel stupid for it though... I should not be freaking out as much as I am. I'm doubling up on the melatonin... I still have the nightmares, but it makes me sleep through them. Which is good I guess, at least I'm sleeping the whole night.

Ok... I'm done complaining.

Only a hippopotamus will do...

Well, today has me kinda nervous. I know I'm going to be like this nearly all week.

Alex gets his blood work done today. If his blood work doesn't clear he comes home for Christmas for three days. If it does clear, we then have to wait and see if he will ship within the next few days. If he doesn't ship, he comes home for Christmas for three days. If he both clears and ships, I get him from December 23rd until January 4th. So I have about a 33% chance of getting him for a decent length of time.

That is all I want for Christmas...

Let the bodies hit the floor...

I'm so tired of going to bed alone.

I'm so tired of coming home to an empty apartment.

I'm so tired of being by myself.

I want him home.

The stupidest things seem to set me off lately. Like reaching for him in bed because I'm cold. Or locking my keys in the car when he would have the spare. Or thinking I lost his friggin cat. Or being out of signal and missing the text that says "Turn on the phone I want to call you!!!" I hate not knowing what's going on. I get a text one day that says he might only be home for 5 days, another days it's two weeks, and now it might be 3 days. He's sick and won't tell anyone because he is afraid they won't do the blood test, and if that is the case Christmas is practically a dream. So I'm worried, and I'm sick, and I just want a hug from him, or to at least hear his voice. I need to hear his steady calm logic that I pretend to hate. God I miss him...

I feel so out of control and I hate it.

Alright, I'm done complaining.